


January 2005

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [19]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-02
Updated: 2013-03-02
Packaged: 2017-12-04 02:17:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/705367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jonathan has trouble dealing with the fact that Clark is gay and dating Lex Luthor.<br/>Clark saves Chloe and Lana from another meteor mutant.<br/>Chloe and Lana are outed and Lex meets Dr. Bryce in anger management class.<br/>Clark stumbles on cave drawings that could be the key to his true heritage and meets Kyla, a girl who makes him question his future with Lex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	January 2005

01 January @ 08:39 am

Most of the last day of the year was quiet. Dad and I did work. I can't wait to get back to school on Monday. Dad is driving me nuts with all his extra attention, trying to prove that he still cares about me and that nothing has changed just because I'm gay. 

At breakfast he apologized, again, for the strip club incident. Mom glared at him. It was kind of funny. My best friend Pete stopped in for a few hours. We promised that we'd spend more time together in the New Year. I haven't had much time to spend with him and he knows that farm work takes up a lot of my time. I didn't tell Pete about the club. There was no way I was going to explain that one to him.

After dinner I went up to the loft to be alone. I wasn't sure if Lex was going to stop by but later in the evening he showed up. It went as well as can be expected. I'm not sure how long Lex and dad talked before I ran out to rescue Lex from my father's wrath. They were nose-to-nose and Dad had grabbed Lex by the shirt, but I got there before it came to blows.

Everything seems fine. I didn't ask for details last night and this morning Dad just sort of grunted at me when he came down for breakfast. He's out in the barn right now, doing morning chores. No market today since it's a holiday. At least he didn't apologize again for the club. That would have been so annoying. 

Last night, Lex stayed until late with only a few interruptions from my parents. They took turns coming out to ask if we needed anything. It was a little humiliating and made me feel like a kid, but Lex being there helped take the sting out of my parent's overprotective attitude. 

Lex and I sat and talked and even though there was no touching allowed, I broke the rule at midnight and kissed him. The first kiss of the year was the sweetest kiss ever. With only our lips touching, it felt electric, illicit; like I was doing something wicked. Denying my body what it really wanted made the moment that much more sexy and sensual. When our lips touched it was a passionate, open-mouthed kiss. Although at one point Lex did touch my chest with his hand. It was such a light touch, and full of promises. I can't wait for him to fulfill those promises. 

The first thing I said after happy New Year was I love you. I wanted that to be my first words to Lex in this New Year. I have a feeling that this year is going to be the best year yet for us. 

I can't wait to go over to the mansion. I guess now it's going to be a lot harder to casually tell my parents that I'll be going over to see Lex without Dad putting up a fuss. 

@ 10:41 am

I woke up floating. I was so horny and so happy. This time I didn't crash down to the bed as soon as I woke. I closed my eyes and waited until I floated back down. I didn't want to wake anybody up and I didn't feel like banging my head even if it is invulnerable.

I jerked off in the shower to thoughts of Lex and the kiss we shared last night. All it took was thinking of his warm, soft mouth. Then I imagined his mouth on my cock, licking and sucking. I pretended he was on his knees in front of me, urging me to push into his eager, hot mouth. I came hard. I had to bite my tongue so I didn't shout his name.

I am in love with Lex, and he's in love with me!

 

02 January @ 10:18 pm

This is annoying. Dad is grating on my last nerve today. I thought yesterday was annoying. When I asked Mom and Dad if I could go over to the mansion after dinner, Dad immediately said no. Eventually he let me go to the Talon with Lex. Dad is being such a jerk. When I asked Dad if he'd treat me this way if I had told him I was secretly dating Lana all this time, he had no answer, but at least he backed down.

Lex came to pick me up and Dad didn't even say hello to him. Dad chose to express himself by bumping into Lex accidentally on purpose on his way out.

Last night after an hour of coffee at the Talon and in public, we went back to the mansion and played chess. I teased Lex about the no touching rule, asking if it applied to the mansion as well. There was no way I wasn't going to do something. I was so horny. I jumped him on the floor of his office right in front of the fireplace and sucked him off then jerked off on his chest. I love when I leave him speechless. He was stunned at my actions to say the least.

I can't even believe I did it. My horniness level was way too high.

At least I had that for the weekend. Today was so boring. I stayed home the whole day. Dad came up with one chore after another. I think I've fixed everything we own at least ten times today. Dinner was quiet. I was too annoyed with Dad to talk to him. Not that I didn't talk to him, I just didn't bother to make conversation beyond "pass the salt".

I hope that totally annoyed him. Now I'm going to read and I'm going to read gay stories just to make Dad mad. That way if he checks to see what I'm up to, I can tell him. And I know he'll check on me. He does every single night. I didn't mind it when I was twelve, but I'm sixteen! I bet he'd check on me if I were fifty. 

At least he didn't say anything about Lex today.

@ 11:34 pm

Dad: Hey, son. You have school in the morning. You should probably get to sleep soon.

Me: I'm almost done here. (points at laptop.)

Dad walks into room and curiously glances at screen, asking, as I knew he would, what his son is doing.

Me: It's just some stories I found that talk about being gay.

Look on Dad's face: priceless.

 

03 January @ 06:00 pm

A C+ in shop class isn't too bad. It brings my grade down a little. I hate that we have to take shop class. I already know how to use all the tools. Anyway, I'm just whining now. 

I sort of sneaked a peek at our grades in class today. Pete did really well, but I think this one guy in my class who usually gets nothing but 'A's on everything is going to be real upset when he sees what mark he got.

I stayed a little late to hang with Pete since he was going to the Talon for a while. When I got home Dad was just getting back from doing the produce deliveries. I usually do them and it totally slipped my mind. Dad didn't mind, but I didn't get to see Lex. I'll have to see Lex tomorrow or something.

Now I have to do some homework.

 

04 January @ 09:30 pm

My Dad broke his leg today. He tried to fix the tractor on his own and it fell on his leg and broke a bone. His doctor already sent him home so he's up in bed resting.

I wish Dad wouldn't take everything on all on his own. I wasn't there because I helped Lana move into Chloe's home. They looked anxious to get rid of me once we'd unloaded the last box. I'm sure they wanted to be alone so they could celebrate. I wish my Dad would be as accepting as Chloe's Dad of her lifestyle choice.

At least I got to see Lex, even if it was for only a few minutes. Right after I found Dad, I immediately called Mom and then Lex. He was at some event, but he came to the hospital as soon as he could. I found him talking to Dad's doctor. I couldn't resist the urge to tease my boyfriend about his golf club rampage. It happened right in the middle of Main Street and I think ten people told me about it by the time I went home to get the truck to help with the move. I wish somebody had gotten pictures. I would love to see them. 

I wish I could have kissed him right there in the hallway right in front of Dr. Bryce. That would have been so much fun. The little smirk on his face when he told me about his encounter with the windshield of a meter maid's car was funny. Unfortunately, I was on my way out to take my Dad's things to the truck. 

I have to go to bed really early tonight so I can get up to do all the morning chores before I go to school. 

Back to my friends moving in together. 

On my way home I was thinking of how cool it is that Chloe and Lana are dating and Chloe's father allowed Lana to move in with them. I'm really jealous of them now. I keep thinking about how happy they looked as we moved Lana's things into her new bedroom. 

Maybe I'll leave some things over at Lex's place like a toothbrush, or some underwear. I wonder if he'd let me have an underwear drawer. Or maybe our underwear could play in the same drawer. That would be almost like moving in. I could leave my boxer shorts and briefs there and some socks. That would be cool. I'd make sure they were clean. 

I miss Lex and I want to wake up next to him. I know Lana and Chloe have separate rooms, but I'm willing to bet the farm that they will sneak into each other's rooms late at night.

With my Dad out of commission it's going to be a really long week. Mom has been so busy with Mr. Luthor and her other job that I'm probably going to end up having to do all my chores and all of Dad's chores. I can't wait.

 

05 January @ 11:56 am

This is unbelievable. They just moved in together and what did I see today in the hallway at school, Ian kissed Lana and she let him! On top of that, when I asked her about it, she told me to back off. 

Last night I stopped by the Talon to let Lana know that since my Dad broke his leg I wouldn't be able to help her study for math. I found Ian talking to Chloe. When I asked him about shop class he told me he'd gotten a really good grade. I know this isn't true. Our teacher gave Ian a hard time in class about his project. 

Then when I had to beg off the study session with Lana, Ian stepped in and offered to help her out. And now Lana is going to see a movie with him.

This is crazy. Chloe can't be happy about this. 

Pete has to bug me about Lana. I am not jealous just because I want to look out for my friends. I just can't believe Lana would make a date with Ian. I guess she can't really say she's already seeing somebody, but she could have said no. Now Chloe is angry with me as well. I tried to warn her and she told me to back off. 

Sometimes I just want to keep out of things, but this time I just can't. I care about them. I know they're allowed to make friends with other people besides me. It just stings that they would both brush me away like this when all I have is their best interests in mind.

I spent all morning doing the chores since Dad is out of commission. Even though I told him and my Mom that I could take care of that part of things, Mom still insisted on staying home from her other job. Dad told her to go to work and that he could handle things. My Dad is the most stubborn man I have ever met.

Back to class. At least shop was cancelled. Our teacher didn't show up.

 

06 January @ 10:37 am

Ian is up to something for sure and Pete and I are going to catch him at it. I don't care if he has an alibi with Chloe. Pete and I found our shop class teacher dead and Ian tried to kill us. Luckily I managed to throw myself over Pete and he didn't get hurt, but I saw Ian. I don't care that he and Chloe say he was with her the whole time.

Now Lana and Chloe are angry with me. I'm going to set Ian up. I have an idea how he managed to be in two places at once. I think he has an accomplice or a twin he hasn't told anybody about.

@ 06:15 pm

When Ian threw Chloe over the edge of the dam I didn't even pause. On top of that when I hit the ground I felt no pain at all. At least Chloe and Lana are both okay. I did feel bad that I used them for bait but Pete and I needed to prove to them that Ian was tricking them. 

And free falling wasn't so bad. I didn't even have enough time to think about how high up I was and what I was doing anyway so I barely remember what it was like.

Everything turned out fine except for Ian's other half falling to his death. I have no idea how he made another him. It probably has something to do with the meteor rocks.

Now I have to go meet Chloe and Lana at the Talon. They called and said they want to talk to me. It had better be to tell me they're sorry. I was right about Ian all along and they totally blew me off. Not that I'm going to rub their noses in it or anything, but still, they didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt. I still can't believe they would do that to me.

Now to go see what Chloe and Lana want.

 

07 January @ 11:38 am

After the talk I had with Lana and Chloe, where they both said they were sorry for not trusting me, I went to see Lex. I sneaked into his bedroom without getting caught. Once I was inside, I called him on his cell and told him he needed to get some rest because he works too hard. I wanted to surprise him but he was stubborn until he figured out with a few hints from me that I was waiting for him in his bed, naked. 

I feel kind of crappy this morning because I absent-mindedly said at breakfast that I forgot my cell phone at Lex's place in Lex's bedroom. Dad was not thrilled. He looked like he was going to blow a gasket but Mom gave him 'the look' and instead of getting angry, he told me I should have told them where I was going. I did tell them I was going to meet with Lana and Chloe at the Talon. Going to the mansion was just a detour. Of course Dad thinks I should have called from the Talon to let them know that I was going to see Lex.

Sometimes I feel like they think I'm a child. Why do I have to tell them every single second of my day? Earlier, I called Dad to let him know that I was about to go to English class. He was not amused. He told me that is not what he meant and that I should stop being a brat. I told him he should stop treating me like a child and then I hung up the phone. I probably shouldn't have done that, but he's being a jerk. 

I don't care. I had the most amazing time ever last night. Before last night it felt as though Lex and I hadn't had time alone in ages. I was starved for him. Maybe that is exaggerating but after we had the most amazing intimate moment ever, I felt at peace. I told Lex that I'm more sure than every of how I feel about him. I wanted him to know that nothing would make me change my mind. Maybe I didn't say it that way exactly. My brain was kind of fizzled from having Lex straddle me, and then strip while on top of me. His kisses were incredibly sexy and I thought for sure I would come before we had a chance to do anything else. But I held out until I was in him. He rode me to orgasm, his intense gaze focused on me as I came.

He is so tight, so warm, and so amazing. I think about how good he felt last night and I get hard, which, while I'm in class, is not a good thing. 

I won't call Dad to let him know I'm about to go to gym class. I bet that would just make him drive to school and smack me in the head.

In a way, it's kind of amusing. Even though he claims he'd do the same thing if I were dating a girl, I still think it mostly has to do with Lex. I think it's time I forced Dad to face my choice and to accept it.

 

08 January @ 09:53 pm

My dad and I are at war. Last night I went to the mansion to get my cell phone. Lex was in his office, and we only had a short time together. I can't even remember what we talked about. It was not about my Dad. We kiss and every kiss totally made my toes curl. 

Today I've been working non-stop and after that non-stop work I did homework then I went over to the neighbors' and fulfilled some of my Dad's promised labor for them. They're a little older and need some help sometimes because their son moved to the city. After that I talked to mom about how I wish dad would accept my choice. Dad was asleep at the time. That was a one-hour conversation in which I rambled with lots of arm flailing and potato peels flying everywhere. Mom needed my help in the kitchen for a bit, and then I went out to do some more chores. Then I sat in the barn for a while and thought about the implications of black holes. Are they real? Could I survive falling into one and report my findings?

Tonight I plan on staying in the barn and not talking to Dad at all. I only spoke to him when he spoke directly to me and only if I absolutely had to.

That was my totally boring and uneventful day. I feel like I'm talking to myself all the time now. I probably am. I keep catching myself saying things like 'It's not that bad.' Or 'He'll come around.' but after this past week, I'm beginning to think that maybe Dad isn't going to accept this so easily. He's sort of accepted it. He's not ordering me to stop dating Lex. That is a start. Maybe I just made things worse with my behavior. Dad just needs time.

Tomorrow, I think I'll take a new stance. I'm not sure what it will be, but not talking to Dad hurts.

 

10 January @ 10:25 am

I didn't spend much time with Dad yesterday. We sort of stayed in our respective corners for almost the whole day. At dinnertime we mostly ate in silence with Mom talking about what she needs to do this week. Her other job is going to demand some more of her time. I told her not to worry, that I could take care of things. 

Dad seems to be getting around on those crutches really fast. Not sure how he's pulling that off, but I'm glad he's healing quickly. At dinner we joked that by the time he's healed, I will have taken over the farm completely. The subject of Lex didn't come up once all day. 

This morning I woke up very early and did every single chore, but I just know I'm going to come home to find Dad outside doing something. He hates to sit around with nothing to do. He says it makes him feel useless. Today Mom is going to be in meetings so we menfolk have to fend for ourselves. That means I have to make dinner. That should be very interesting. Maybe I'll just order in pizza. 

I didn't get to see Lex much this weekend. I may not get to see him today. I'll have to give him a call to let him know how busy I'm going to be.

Back to the grindstone. We have a gym teacher for shop class today.

Hopefully this week will be a better week.

 

11 January @ 11:25 pm

I give up. Dad is never going to accept my choice. It's not that he says bad things about Lex all the time. He just makes this face when I talk about Lex. I don't even think dad realizes he's doing it.

Tonight, when Dad came up to the loft to talk about Lex, I rushed off and told him I needed to study over at Pete's. I just wasn't in the mood to hear him slam my boyfriend.

Maybe tomorrow things will be better. I can keep hoping.

 

12 January @ 10:17 pm

It was just coffee at the Talon. It's not as though it was a real date. He looked like he was having fun. I watched them and Lex seemed so relaxed. He can do that with Dr. Bryce and in public. I haven't been able to spend time with Lex because of what's happening at home. I'm always either in school or doing farm work. 

I know I can trust Lex, but there's this little voice in my head that thinks that maybe he'd prefer somebody he could take out in public. With Dr. Bryce, he wouldn't have to hide. 

She's probably really smart and doesn't have a dad who would hate Lex. She's really pretty, too, and has a really nice smile. The way she smiled at Lex made me think that maybe she wants him. When I saw them together, a little part of me felt betrayed. It's stupid and I have no reason to feel this way, but there it is.

Now that I see it in writing, it's pretty dumb. I know Lex isn't into her that way. He's into me that way.

 

13 January @ 09:53 pm

This is not good. Somebody at school outed Chloe and Lana. Gym class sucked. I had so many people ask me if I've seen them kiss. I was ready to punch somebody out. This is so not good.

I didn't have a chance to talk to either of them because I had to run home fast. I had to do chores since dad's still recovering. We finally had a talk about how his attitude is hurting me. At first I didn't want to talk about it. I ran to the storm cellar to look at the ship. Dad followed me and we talked. I feel weird about it. Part of me feels that maybe we haven't made any progress but he did promise to try harder to accept that I'm with Lex. I hope he keeps his promise.

At least I got to do the deliveries. I totally shocked Lex when I walked into his office and locked the door so I could get on my knees in front of him and suck him off. It felt good to shock him into a nonverbal state. I enjoyed it and all I kept thinking was that I can do this to him any time I want.

He returned the favor and it felt even better to have his mouth on me. He's so good at sucking me off. I came fast. I couldn't help it. I was so horny. When his warm mouth and tongue work their magic, it takes no time and it feels like it's been forever since we've done anything sexual.

Or at least it seems like it's been a long time. It's probably just my overactive hormones.

After we cleaned up, we had a snack and talked for a little while. I miss him already even though I was just over there.

Next time Lex has coffee with Doctor Bryce, and he sees me, I hope he thinks of my cock in his mouth. In fact, I hope he thinks of my cock all the time.

 

16 January @ 09:08 pm

I can't believe this. Pete was the one who outed Chloe and Lana. I just can't believe he would do that. Pete knows how to keep a secret; at least I hope he does. They're all anybody talked about all weekend. Dad asked if I knew about this before and I had to tell him I knew. He told me he was proud of me for being there for my friends. 

I spent Friday afternoon with Chloe. She got into a fight at school with some girl and Chloe punched her. She's suspended for a few days from classes. I hope her dad wasn't too hard on her. She was so upset and I didn't want her to be alone so I went with her to the Talon. She said she didn't want to change what she does just because of what happened.

I haven't been able to talk to Pete because he went away for the weekend, but as soon as I see him, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I know he'd never do this. He's never told anybody my secret. I just can't imagine him doing this to Chloe and Lana. Chloe was convinced that he did it so maybe I misjudged Pete. Maybe finding out freaked him out.

Chloe and I had a great time at the Talon. She's so brave. I don't know if I could be that brave. The idea of the whole town knowing that I'm gay and that I'm with Lex scares me. I know with me it's a worse situation because Lex is older than me and I'm only sixteen. There's no way anybody could ever find out about Lex. People wouldn't understand. If my own father doesn't understand and he sees how happy Lex makes me, I can't imagine that my neighbors would. Pete for sure would never get it.

Last night Lana stopped by. She was a wreck. I wanted to hold her tight and protect her from everything. I felt this overwhelming urge in the moment when she was in my arms and crying on my shoulder to keep her safe. I told Lana about my dad finding out that I'm gay and dating Lex. I needed to tell somebody else. She was so shocked. 

I tried to reassure her that things will work out and that her aunt will love her no matter what. She seemed to think that her Aunt Nell wouldn't understand. I hope she does. I hate to see Lana so upset. It's not fair that this happened to her and Chloe. This wasn't something anybody else had any right to tell. When I talk to Pete, I'm totally giving him a piece of my mind. He's going to hear it from me for sure if he really had something to do with this.

Chloe is glad it's all out in the open and Lana wants to hide from the world. How did they end up together when their views are so different? I hope they can work this all out and I hope that they don't break up over it. Lana seemed so unsure. 

After Lana and I talked, we popped popcorn and watched a movie. I didn't know what else to say to her. She stayed until she almost fell asleep and then went home. I think if it happened to me I'd probably hide out too, until it all blew over. Chloe has a lot of guts.

 

17 January @ 10:27 am

I just talked to Pete and he says he did not spread the rumors that Chloe and Lana are dating. I confronted Pete this morning in front of our lockers and he says he only found out just last week along with the rest of the class. 

We ducked into an empty classroom when he asked how long I've known then he flipped that I knew all along and didn't tell him. I tried to tell him it was not my secret to tell. He's mad that Chloe kept this from him. He's also mad because he adores Chloe and has always held out hope that they'd be able to get together.

I tried to appease him, but then he started getting on me about always letting him talk about Lana and me as if we were this huge love meant to be. He even asked if I was gay. I lied. I didn't exactly deny it but I told him being friends with somebody who is gay doesn't mean you'll be gay. He took that to mean no. I almost told. I might have felt better but then this isn't about me feeling better and Pete was upset about his lost chance with Chloe. It wasn't the right time to do that to him.

I believed Pete when he says he had nothing to do with it but then in gym class I overheard a few of the guys from the football team talking and they point blank said Pete was the one who broke the news. I don't know what to think. I've never known Pete to lie to me, but there's always a first time for everything. Maybe he was so hurt at finding out that he'd never have a chance with Chloe that he felt the need to lash out. 

I wanted to talk to Lex about all of this but I can't seem to find the time or the courage. I'll see him today during deliveries and we can talk. The possibility of us ever being outed is there. Maybe it's something we need to consider, just in case. 

I miss him. I can't wait to see him, touch him, and kiss his lips. All weekend I kept thinking about how lucky I am to have him in my life and how even after all the stupid stuff I've done he's still willing to have me in his life.

03:17 pm

I could totally punch somebody's lights out right now! 

I had a really nice lunch with Lana at the Torch. We stayed there together so she wouldn't have to listen to all the garbage people are spouting about her. She's so upset and shaken up, I wish there was something I could do for her.

Right after lunch, I walked her to her next class and as I left to get to my own class, Brent confronted her. The stuff he said to her! I cannot even imagine that Whitney would be happy to know that his own friend treated Lana that way. I was so furious I almost cracked his head in. I wanted to. 

Lana couldn't take it anymore so she left school. I finally calmed down. I should have gone with her but she said she'd be okay. She said that she needed to do work at the Talon and that I couldn't be there for her every second. I did need to get to class but still, I wanted to be there for her. 

At least I stopped Brent from continuing his verbal assault. Who knows where that could have led? It might have gotten ugly had I not stepped in. He was all crowding her and pushing her into the lockers. How could anybody treat her that way?

 

18 January @ 02:28 pm

I finally got to see Lex last night. I had to do deliveries and when I went to his office, I made sure to lock the door so we'd have privacy. I needed to talk to him about what happened with Lana and Chloe. It seems like Pete really did out them. I can't believe it, but all evidence points to that being the case. I feel so bad for Lana and Chloe. Lana's still not handling it well, but I saw her this morning in the hall talking to her friend Beth, so at least she has somebody to support her. Chloe is still suspended.

Lex and I talked and he reassured me that our situation would never get out. He has it covered and I trust him. I do not trust anybody else at this point and I can only hope that all the people that do know will keep the knowledge to themselves. His insistence that he had things covered made me feel a lot better. I wanted to be closer to him and I missed him so much. At least we got a few moments alone. We can always get complete privacy at the mansion. Now whenever I go over, I always lock the door just in case we do something we don't want anybody to walk in on. This time we did something for sure that I wouldn't want anybody to walk in on. I sucked him off on my knees right there in his office, and he jerked me off and it felt so good. His gaze is so intense. He always makes me feel as though he's seared his soul onto mine. So see deep into me he must know my truths. He must know what I really am. Sometimes I imagine that he does and he's just keeping it from me because he knows that I'm afraid. It's like I know deep down that he sees me for what I really am and he's just waiting for me to let him in on the secret. 

I think I grabbed his shoulders too hard. I might have bruised him, but I didn't think at the time because when he was holding me in his hand and looking at me with his all-knowing eyes, all I wanted was for him to be my whole world. 

I told him that I love him and he said ditto. I love when he says ditto. It's like a secret code between us. He could even say it in public and nobody but us would know what it meant. 

His touch makes my skin tingle, and I tingle when I think of his hands on my body. I feel so irrational sometimes about this one thing.

Last night after I got home I sat down to dinner and all I could think about was how Lex touched me and how he looked at me and how he thrust deep into my mouth. It was a very quiet dinner. After that, I rushed out to do the chores. Dad came out later to talk to me about Lana and Chloe. He asked me to watch out for them and I reassured him I did. I wish the town would get over Lana and Chloe so they could go back to things the way they were. I guess that's asking too much. Things will never go back the way they were. Why can't people just mind their own business?

As for Pete, I'm not sure what to do. Lex thinks I should choose whom I believe based on what I know about them. He also pointed out that just because people say something is true doesn't mean it is.

@ 08:32 pm

I just took Dad for a check up. Dr. Bryce said he should be fine and that he's mending really fast. I didn't tell her that he's been doing farm chores, she just guessed. She asked me about Lex. She asked if Lex was dating anybody. It was totally awkward and I know I just lied and said he was single as far as I knew. Dr. Bryce is going to ask him out. I just know it. She's going to ask and he's going to have no reason to say no. So she gets to take him out to dinner and I get to stay at home with my telescope.

Sometimes it sucks to have a secret relationship with somebody so hot. Although I don't blame her for wanting to ask Lex out, I wish I could have said 'sorry he's taken - by me'. 

At least dad gets his cast off in a few days. I'm trying to look on the bright side.

 

19 January @ 10:57 pm

Okay, so I followed them and watched them on their date. She dressed up really nice. She looks pretty with her hair down. And nothing happened. They just had dinner, and talked. I couldn't hear what they were talking about. After dinner, he drove her home and even walked her to her front door. He's such a gentleman. 

Nothing happened at all, so it's cool. I just wish I could have been the one sitting at the table with him. I wish we could go out to dinner without people making a fuss. 

I asked him out on a date. Maybe sometimes he likes to be asked out and that's why he said yes to her. 

I shot hoops all night if anybody asks. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I was home before Mom and Dad even noticed I was gone. 

Maybe I shouldn't have spied on Lex. Suddenly I feel like a total fool for doing it.

 

21 January @ 05:42 pm

Dad got his cast off and while I was there, I had to see Dr. Bryce since she's Dad's doctor. I happened to ask her if she asked Lex out on a date. She told me about how well things went and how she thinks that Lex likes her. She wants to go on another date with him. It was totally weird. She spilled so much I had to change the subject. I guess because I'm such good 'friends' with Lex she felt she could confide in me. 

So I guess she's planning on doing more with him. I know Lex won't let more happen, but why can't he just tell her 'no thanks'? I guess it was because he couldn't come up with a good enough reason. He'd have to say he didn't like her that way which is true so he can say that, but he won't. Instead he says yes and now she thinks he likes her. Why is he going out with her? Is there something I'm not doing right? Is it because I don't give him something that she can? She's probably way smarter than me and can talk on his level. Maybe that's it. I can imagine that he'd want somebody he can converse with, somebody more on his maturity level that can keep up with his intellect. 

I can't begrudge Lex a friend. He's an adult so he can tell her to back off if she tries something more. He can tell her that he just wants them to be friends. She seemed so excited but maybe that's just because Lex is such a nice guy and there aren't really many guys for her to talk to like him. She's from the city so I guess that's why they get along so well. 

I totally trust Lex and she's just a friend. 

I'm going over for our date tonight and I'm going to dress up nice. It's a real date, so even if we can't go out in public the way Lex and Dr. Bryce can, it doesn't mean I can't dress up really nice.

@ 10:57 pm

I went over to the mansion and Lex ordered pizza in. We went up to his private rooms and played chess by the fire. That was all we did. We kissed, touched, and talked about stuff, but it was the most romantic date I have ever been on. 

A small part of me was afraid that I'd bore him. I'm not sure why I thought that. I don't feel that way at all anymore. He paid very close attention to everything I said and I engaged him in conversation. It was so much fun talking to him about what I do on the farm. I admitted to him that it's not my ideal future job. 

We had a really intense moment. It was so perfect. 

Dad was in the kitchen when I got home. I can't believe he stayed up. He used the excuse that his leg itched and he couldn't sleep. I made some hot chocolate for both of us because I just knew he had to get something off his chest. He asked how my date went. He coughed a lot but at least he asked and he actually didn't scowl this time when I talked about Lex. I told him the truth. I told him we ate pizza and played a few games of chess, all of which I lost. Then I told him that Lex and I had a long discussion about organic farming. Dad spit his drink out on the table. It was totally hilarious. He told me to warn him when I made a joke and I told him it was no joke.

I think he was impressed. Just as I was about to go up to bed, dad asked if I was happy and I told him I'd never been happier in my life.

I think dad's finally realized how much Lex means to me. 

I feel so much better about everything. Now if only I didn't have to wake up early to do chores.

 

22 January @ 09:25 pm

I can't believe this. When Kyla told me about the legend of Numan, I thought for sure she was just kidding around or making it up, but those pictures on the cave. They're my life! 

She says it's just a legend but it's my life. I fell from the sky. I shoot fire out of my eyes, and I have the strength of ten men. 

What if it's true? What if my ancestors really did come to earth hundreds of years ago and leave those drawings on those caves? This is huge. The indentation in the cave wall looks just like the key to my ship. It's all been here in Smallville under ground all this time, and LuthorCorp owns the land it's on. 

Kyla found me after I fell through a hole down into the caves. I must have fallen at least a hundred feet and she heard Pete tell me to jump back up. She told me those legends and never seemed freaked about any of it, as if it was totally normal that a man could fall from the sky, shoot fire from his eyes and be so strong. 

It can't be anything else. At first I doubted her, but when I saw that indentation shaped like the key to the ship... what else can it be.

I need to find out more about this. I need to know everything I can find out about these legends. I should probably find out if it's really true before I get so excited. 

I have to go back and look at that indentation in the wall. It's the exact size as the key to the ship.

 

23 January @ 09:27 pm

Dad thinks I shouldn't trust Kyla and her grandfather, Mr. Willowbrook, but this is the first time anybody has been able to give me some hint of who or what I am. I invited them over for dinner and I think things went really well. I know that somewhere in that cave is a clue to where I come from, or maybe even more. 

After dinner, Kyla and I went to my loft to talk and she pointed out a spot in the sky where a star used to be. She said it's where Numan came from. What if that's where I came from? Her grandfather told us a story about how a man came from the stars and fell in love with the mother of their people and that the Kawache people were born out of their forbidden affair. He said this happened 500 years ago. I wonder why it was forbidden.

I showed them the piece of the ship with the symbols all over it and they said they have no idea what it says. I was really hoping that they knew but it looks like this is all a dead end. All the stories they told sound like nothing but legends that their people passed down through the years. 

I still want to figure out if this cave really is something connected to me. I called Lana and asked her to stop by so I could ask a favor. Hopefully Mr. Small can stop the construction and we can study the caves. 

Kyla hit on me while we were alone in my loft. It was a little awkward since I couldn't say 'sorry, I'm taken by Lex Luthor. You know, that guy your grandfather hates'. She is so beautiful and I have to admit that I find her attractive. When she touched my hand and held it, I felt weird. I'm not sure what, but I kept thinking for sure that we'd kiss. I thought it was going to happen but then Lana showed up. The way Kyla looked at me . . . I don't want to be attracted to her but I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about her. 

I might just be excited about the caves, but I think I kind of liked it when she hit on me. She has this way of looking at me, like she can see into me and know my secrets. Maybe it's just wishful thinking or projecting. I really need to learn more about the caves. I want to learn more about where I came from or who I am or what I am and Mr. Willowbrook said he might be able to decipher the language on the tablet. 

It's could be my people's language.

 

25 January @ 07:25 am

Chloe and Lana are still barely talking and they still haven't come to an understanding about their opposing points of view on how to handle their situation. I don't blame Lana. She's lived in this town all her life and she's being judged much more harshly because of it. She also has a business to run and people might decide to drink coffee elsewhere. People have done stranger things.

We're still trying to get construction stopped so we can save the paintings on the cave wall.

I haven't been doing much else but hanging out with Kyla in the caves. The cave drawings are so fascinating. I just hope we can save the drawings and the caves. So far Mr. Luthor doesn't seem to care at all that he would be destroying a local treasure.

@ 03:55 pm

I just came back from being with Kyla. We were at the caves to take pictures of the wall paintings, and I went with her so I could get another look at them. The construction above ground was very disruptive.

Kyla knows about me now. I had no choice but to save her from a huge falling boulder. She had climbed up higher to get a closer look and take photos of some paintings that were high up on the wall. It happened so fast, I had to act and she saw.

She didn't freak out when she saw me rush over to her and when she saw that boulder hit my back and smash into a million pieces. She thinks I'm Numan. Maybe she's right. If she is, then I was sent here on purpose for sure.

There were some very interesting paintings on the cave wall that make me think that maybe things in my life are destined, like whom I'm meant to be with. Kyla said that this painting of a girl with dark hair is a depiction of whom Numan is destined to be with. She was wearing the bracelet in the painting. She said it's been in her family for generations and it's depicted in the painting of Numan's true love. 

There was also this one drawing that I couldn't stop looking at. It depicts a two-headed creature that Kyla says is Numan and Segeeth. She told me about the legend of how Segeeth and Numan are like brothers and that Segeeth turns on Numan, and they will form the balance between good and evil. It's fascinating. If the image is supposed to represent something that will one day happen, then there is somebody out there that will one day become my greatest enemy. I can't even imagine that.

After I saved her, I wanted to tell Kyla that I couldn't be this Numan because I'm already in love with somebody, and it's not a dark-haired girl, but she told me not to think logically, to just give in. Then we kissed. I didn't stop her until she tried to take my shirt off. I broke the kiss and tried to tell her that I couldn't do it. I wanted to tell her about Lex but I couldn't so I left.

Now I feel so guilty. What if it's true? What if I'm not meant to be with Lex? What if this picture that Kyla's people drew hundreds of years ago means I'm meant to be with her?

I can't lie to Lex about this. I need time to figure out what to do. I'm so confused. I feel so guilty for kissing Kyla and I can't stop thinking about it. I thought about her last night when I jerked off. That's the first time I've ever thought of anybody but Lex. She's just so beautiful, she knows about me, and she doesn't care. She still liked me even though she knows I came from the stars and that I can do all these things other men can't do. If I were with her I wouldn't have to worry about telling her my secret. I wouldn't have to keep looking over my shoulder.

I have to tell Lex about this. I can't keep putting it off. I haven't even told him that I met Kyla. I think I'm going to be sick. I feel so horrible right now. 

Maybe I can't fight destiny.

 

26 January 2005 @ 05:54 pm

I told Lex about Kyla and the kiss. I wanted to tell him about my true heritage right then in the cave. I wanted to spill every last secret, but I couldn't do it. 

I asked him to give me time. I thought for sure he'd tell me to go to hell and leave. I wouldn't have blamed him. 

I was asking for a huge favor when I asked him to help bail out Mr. Willowbrook. I thought if I showed him the cave he'd change his mind and then something clicked while we were down there. Suddenly no matter what, even if those pictures are true and are about me, I knew that I was meant to be with Lex and that he was meant to be with me. I love him even more now than ever before.

We drove to the caves and I was so nervous. I wasn't sure how Lex would react. I thought maybe he would tell me I was insane. He was so quiet and I understand that things between us could have ended forever right then and there. Although I didn't get that at the time, I got it after, when we drove back to the mansion. I almost lost Lex for good and it would have been my own selfish fault. I don't deserve him at all, but I'm glad I have him, because if I didn't, I don't know what I would do.

After I showed him the cave and he agreed to help me, I couldn't stop myself. I wanted him right there in the cave. I was so excited and before I knew it, I pulled his pants and briefs down around his knees. I wanted to worship him so I turned him around and got down on my knees and did something I never thought I'd ever be able to do without blushing all the way through. I stuck my tongue in his ass and it was the most amazing thing ever. He tastes so good. He writhed beneath my tongue, and his moans echoed through the caves.

I jerked him off and after he came with my tongue in him, I pulled my pants down and fucked him. I didn't realize it at the time, but we were leaning up against the wall with the key indentation in it. It was perfect as though it was meant to be. At first the whole thing scared me and I wanted to run, but then I realized, it is meant to be. It was the hottest thing ever, being right there, facing that wall. Him and me.

It makes me hard just thinking about it. I want to do it again and again. I told Lex I totally love him and nobody else, and that if he would just be patient, in time I could tell him my secrets. He agreed to wait, though he looked hurt. I don't want to hurt him; I just want us to be together. We both said that it was forever and Lex even said that I am the only one for him, which is perfect since he is the only one for me. I don't care what that drawing of Numan's true love looks like, Lex Luthor is who I want, and I will never stop loving him for as long as we both shall live. As far as I am concerned, we're married in our souls already. 

I feel so good about everything. I know that I did the right thing. Plus, my tongue was in Lex's ass. I am so doing that again very, very soon. I had no idea how sexual that could be.

09:14 pm

Sometimes dad can be a pain. I just knew he was going to be all excited about Kyla and have all these hopes for her and me. I told him tonight that there was no way anything beyond friendship would ever happen with her. At first I thought something might, but then I was reminded who I really belong with. 

That moment Lex and I had in the caves is something that I will never forget. I love him more than ever before. I should have known.

I will admit that I had a moment of uncertainty, but I'm past it now. I feel so much better and I broke a barrier with Lex that I never thought I could. I think he's probably the only person I could ever be that intimate with.

Chloe did some research and I think Kyla is hiding something from me. Something about her family. It's disheartening because she told me she was being totally honest and now I have doubts. I know better than anybody that people are allowed to have their secrets. 

Something terrifying happened. Mom came home shaken. A wolf attacked her!

 

27 January @ 10:00 pm

Kyla is dead. She died tonight, trying to defend the caves. She thought she was doing the right thing. I feel so numb. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I wanted ... I don't even know what I wanted, but I know I didn't want this. 

I need to be away now.

 

28 January @ 12:19 am

OH GOD!!! I told Lex!!! I showed him how strong I am.

He kissed me! When I said I love you, he said Ditto.

I feel numb. I feel exhilarated. I ran home. Then called Lex to let him know I'd gotten home okay. It was five minutes from when I left the mansion. 

I have never heard Lex sound so happy. He's not afraid of me, I love him, and he loves me. 

Maybe one day I can tell him about the alien thing. 

When I told him and showed him, he kissed me. He laughed and it was kind of nervous-scared. I was worried for a second, but he looked happy. Oh and he needs a new headboard which he said he'd pay for.

I broke a piece of his headboard off to show him how freaky strong I am. 

Totally not related, I love when he touches my hair.

He said I love you and kissed me!!!!! And he said he could never be afraid of me.

@ 05:19 pm

Lex saved the caves and now they're protected. 

Mr. Willowbrook gave the bracelet meant for Numan's true love to me. I didn't really know what to do with it. 

I went to thank Lex for saving the caves and when we had mind-blowing chair-sex, I lost control and crushed the arm of the chair we were sitting in. Lex didn't even blink. I felt so bad. I probably bruised him a lot. I know his hips will be black and blue.

He got this look in his eyes when I lifted him up so I could strip us. He wasn't afraid at all. He watched me and saw what I could do and he wasn't afraid.

It was awesome sex. I locked the office door and sucked him off. Then he rode me and I have to say, I loved it. He was on top of me, it drove me insane, and when I grabbed the chair so as not to crush his legs, he told me to grab him and only him. In the end, I had to grab the chair with one hand because --fuck-- that was the most amazing ride. He rode my cock to the point of total ecstasy. I can't even explain the exhilaration I felt knowing that he wasn't afraid and that he trusted me not to hurt him. He trusted me! 

I don't even trust me. I never trust me. But Lex does trust me.

I want to give him everything I can give him. I guess, we all hold back something, even if it's from somebody you totally love.

 

29 January @ 10:39 pm

I gave the bracelet to Lex. It was the only thing I could do with it. I had to. If I am truly Numan -- and how can I doubt this when those paintings on the cave wall tell my life story? --Then the bracelet belongs to my true love. That's Lex.

People are so fragile. Yesterday when I was with Lex, I grabbed him and I know I left bruises. I know he's probably in pain today. 

I spent the day doing chores with Dad. After dinner we watched a game together and just hung out in the living room. He even asked how Lex was doing. We talked about the caves and I told Dad that I totally trust Lex to take good care of them. Dad's worried, as always, about Lex and how close we get. I didn't tell him that I showed Lex my strength. I think I'm going to tell Mom. I know she'll understand. I know I can get her to understand. 

It's totally freaky. I've gone down there again to look at the paintings. That one Kyla said was Numan and Segeeth draws me for some reason. I don't know why. She said that they were best friends like brothers. There's so much to learn about them. I can't wait to start studying their meaning. Maybe I can find clues about my home world. 

 

31 January @ 08:51 pm

I promised Pete I'd talk to Chloe and try to mend things between them. I still have no idea what to think since he's still saying he wasn't the ratter (is that even a word? Note to self: look up ratter).

I called Lex at lunch and today. He said he's fine. I was worried that I'd bruised him during sex. The sex was just so awesome sex. I fantasize about it when I jerked off.

I've alternated all weekend from freaking out to being excited. I probably should have found a better way to show Lex. I keep thinking about the look on his face when he saw what I could really do. He didn't flip. He looked so excited and so interested. I wonder what he'd think of the heat vision. I can't wait to tell him how that started. When he hears that story, he's never going to believe it.

I feel so tense tonight. I need to tell mom that Lex knows about my strength. I can't tell dad. There's no way he'd ever understand and maybe that just might make him rush over to the mansion and do something Dad would regret. Then I'd have to protect Lex, or I could sweep him away and we could run off somewhere far away together. Maybe we could go someplace where nobody cares that we're gay.

I can dream. But first, I need to jerk off.


End file.
